Friday, November 18, 2011

Y3W: Having a moment

Every so often I have a moment. Its a moment when I realize how far I've come, not just in weight loss, but personal strength and growth.

So please, bear with me while I have a moment and bask in my accomplishment (because, believe it or not, its not something I do often).

This morning when I woke up I went into the bathroom to do my my daily 'search for the stray hairs on the face' hunt. 

If you are under 30 and not of a descent that involves darker complexions and hair, screw you, you won't understand. And I can hear you going 'ew'. Just you wait. Menopause will get you one day. And it will be full of random hair, sagging and hot flashes.

If you are over 30 and especially if you've ever gone through the hormonal changes of having a child, you know what I am talking about. Sadly, menopause will get us too but at least we have some experience.

Anyway, as I raised my hand up to pluck a hair, I glanced down at my chest (none there yet!) and I could see my freaking breast bone through my skin. Dont get me wrong, I don't really find this attractive but I was still in awe. Yet another part of my body that I have never seen or felt in my life. I ran my fingers over the bumps and I had this surreal moment that was simultaneously so clear. 

I'm doing this. 

I AM DOING THIS.

There is a real body under there. Its no longer just a vehicle to get me to...whatever......where ever...nothing really...

It wasn't until this morning that it dawned on me how much I really do hold myself back, how much I hide, how much I don't participate.

Actually all of that should be in past tense.

And that's not to say that I hid away in my house like the Elephant Man crying over my fatness. I just didn't do stuff. I wasn't depressed but instead had a blah attitude about life. My go with the flow-ness had turned into 'lets just hope you have enough buoyancy to keep your nostrils out of the water.

Life was all about the bare minimum.

Now its about pushing for more (ironically to get less).

I'm running a 5k on Sunday. Hell, I've been running 5k's all month. But I am going to be in an honest to goodness race with other people. My first official 5k race. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

EVER

in my life did I see myself in this place. I have never seen myself go beyond the bare minimum to get to what I wanted. And I am not even really sure what I want out of this running. Really I don't have a lot of desire to become a full fledged 'runner' but I don't want to stop and say this is enough.

I'm not sure what the maximum is either. But I do know that I am just getting started.

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